Stephen Hawkins runs better than me...

Sup crew, I won't waste any time today as it's 04:04am and I've been playing 6 hours straight and if I have to revel in how terrible I run any more than I have to I'm going to go string myself up.

Right, so I ask my bitch (my GF) if she can deposit £10 for me on her Full Tilt so I can play a quick tournament (yeh she has a FTP account lolz) Anyway, after a few minutes of refusing to deposit followed by a few slaps to the chops, she deposited for me and off I went to play my tournament.

My tournament of choice today was the $12,000 GTD knock out big stack tournament over at fool tilt poker. The buy in was a whopping $12 and you recieved a $2 for every player you knocked out.

Things started well I was just chilling drinking a brew doing my thang and I quickly doubled my stack and then managed to treble it to 9K (you started with 3K for those of you who don't know)

Anyway I was soon reminded not to get my ass too comfortable in my chair as stuff like this started to happen (see the pictures below)

Standard 70/30 but a reminder not to count my chickens

 Obviously a standard beat, early on in the tournament still plenty of play no big deal it's fine, a couple of hands after that this happened...

Cool 7 from heaven brah

Obviously that fucking stupid ass 7 had to flop for that cock stain. I know I had to get something going so I opted to remain calm as opposed to tilting the rest of my stack off. I went to the kitchen, made a brew and grabbed myself a cheese an onion sandwich. After eating the sandwich and nearly passing out from the stench of my own onion and coffee breath I get some pay back when this happened...

The deuce of truth hits the river, fuck yeah!

I raised 3/2 suited in late position and was called by that sweaty agro donkey who was really lose and calling anything. The flop was okay for me and I hit it up with a continuation bet. This prick raises me I call knowing I am good and the turns a king. I check it and he checks, the river is the ever sweet sight of justice. I spike an epic deuce on the river to take the lead. I shove the rest of my stack and donky noob calls me. He gets the bad news and I get his chips OH YEAHH!


Things were starting to look up. A few hands later of playing  my A game another one of these heros shoved all in preflop to my raise with 88 and I snapped with my pocket queens (see picture)

My beautiful ladies vs his 2 big fat ladys

Brilliant I thought. 21k double the average stack this shit's about to get interesting. I grab my £3 beanie hat that smells like shit and placed it ontop of my head to keep my long greasy hair from obscuring my vision. I hit youtube up and play ''Don't stop believing -Journey'' (not that shitty glee version) and begin to gather some epic momentum. I know I can ship this donkament I just need too avoid 2 and 3 outers and I can do it. I'll finally win the first place prize of $4,176, and I can book a week in vegas satellite to the main event, ship that and retire a multi millionaire in a pent house somewhere surrounded by hookers and blow things we're looking up for me :)!


And then this happened...

No 8, no 8, no 8 please no 8, ARGHH FUCK YOU 8!!!

Donk was shoving near enough every hand looking to double up. I raised preflop and he came over the top of me I called knowing I was good. All I had to do was avoid that shitty fucking 8 but nope, I couldn't avoid drowning in the sahara fucking desert, let alone avoid 1 of 3 remaining 8s! At this point moral is low. The blinds are increasing I've lost my comfortable stack. I go on to make the money and place 180th place out of 2,531 entrants. Which is really fucking crap $7 profit for 4 hours work. That's slave labour, I should be sewing fool tilt for the minimum wage requirements but whatever, fuck them.


Anyway to cut a long story short my stack slowly deteriated, I lost a couple of coin flips to ass clinging short stackers and eventually got it all in with A/J against someone who was shoving near enough every hand but this time he happened to wake up with A/K to have me dominated like they always fucking do. See picture below.

He has A/K there OBVIOUSLY

So yeah, that was over and I really played well but went after 4 hours work with $7 profit. Yet again aload of shit my big score wasn't meant to be. I also played a $4.40 rush tourny where I ended up bubbling the money and had some dramatic hands where I failed to hit a ton of outs to win the pot see the 2 pictures below, pretty fucking un-real. The other pictures are of my $11 Sit n Go and me losing the last of my dollars on $0.10/$0.25 rush. Have fun viewing my pain :)!

How the fuck do I lose this pot?

Again, how the fuck do I lose??

He shoves the flop, I snap and he gets there....

I raise my button he callls. Checks flop I bet he raises, I call I hit the perfect turn card he bets, I shove, the 4 drops on river and my hand gets counterfeited. Fuck you paired board you fuck.

So that's it for today a stunning £10 down OMG LOL PENNYMENTS!!!11ONEBBQ


But obviously I'm just pissed off I can't ship anything decent for once, just one time ever??

ANYWAY grand national saturday definitely got to get selling my ass up town to raise some cash to stick on some random 50/1 long shot so I can get doing some epic gambling, none of this nickle and dime shit. Planning on playing the Sunday Mirrion on pokerstars in a couple of weeks which should be funny with my trap record. 

Right, this piece of shit took 1 hour and 3 minutes to write and even longer to correct my shitty grammar and typo's and bears absolutely no significance to anything. I still remain hopefull and pray for my big score, obviously it wont come from constantly playing with nickles but hopefully I can hit my streak soon and get high rolling.


Bring on the Sunday Mirrion, let me ship a decent donkament one time just one time that's all I ask...


-Anonymous <3